Saturday, August 28, 2010

what happened to always and forever?

Since I'm avoiding putting up as a status on Facebook my sentiments on what I'm currently going through, I figured I'll just blog about it. I know I've had occasional outbursts of my fuming rage, but social networking sites just never fail to get the best of me. It was inappropriate and not to mention, tacky, I know, and that, I'm sorry for.

I've spent days doing what a depressed person normally does, and I've taken every desperate measure just to win you back. I must say that this, by far, is the greatest dilemma I've ever had. I don't know if I should wait, or if I, too, should move on and know what's out there for me. The latter makes me sick. Even though you stomped on my heart and left me for dead, I still can't imagine being with someone else. Let alone loving someone else. But I'm not putting any pressure on you, you can go do what you want without me to hold you back. You gotta do what you gotta do.

What keeps me up at night is the thought of you with your hypothetical new girlfriend. You see, I've been wanting to go there and surprise you, maybe then I'll know the real deal between us. But I'm afraid you might also surprise me with your hypothetical new girlfriend, not necessarily prettier and smarter hypothetical new girlfriend. As cocky as it may sound, I believe I can fight a good fight in that department. But she's near you, physically, so I don't stand a chance against her. She wins by default, your hypothetical new girlfriend.

Surprisingly, I don't have the urge to get even. You must really mean to me. I just think destiny is funny, hilarious, as a matter of fact. It's cracking me up. It's like I've planted a hell lot of seeds, and just when I'm about to harvest them, someone burnt my farm down to ashes. 

They say I must enjoy my youth to whatever extent, but I can live it up without having to test the waters. That is not and never will be my thing, so thank you very much. By the way, the last thing I want to hear is a big fat "I told told you so."

God knows how I wanted this, how I prayed every single night since we got together some 5 years back. I put my life on pause because I know the temporary highs are nothing compared to the high I might get when we're finally together. It breaks my heart to think someone else  now will be the center of your world. She will get to be with you every minute she wishes to, eat at fancy restaurants with you, you will bring her to family affairs, she will go on trips with you, you will pick her up and drive her home, you will spend the day bumming around with her in your condo, you will have nights out together, she will kiss you and you will kiss her back, she will be yours and you will be hers. Things that kept me through all the times I wanted a touch instead of a text, a real kiss instead of a mfwah on the phone, to touch your face instead of the monitor. It kept me tough because I know someday we will have it good. I just always thought I'd be the girl in the scenarios I've mentioned above. I'm keeping my hopes sky high, but I am not expecting any. So don't worry about me.

I'm blogging at my own risk, actually. I know someway, somehow, this is gonna get to you. This might anger you even more or you might just not give a damn but so be it. I'm at my all-time low, and I've been keeping mum, so I'm entitled to this. I know you're not crazy about baring the soul on the Internet, but I find it therapeutic, just to get things off my chest.


Remember this? It says on the note that you're the pink bear. So... until the pink bear finds some other bear to hug.

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